So if you don't follow me on instagram, you want to know how I did right? Here's the short answer: I didn't place top 5. It's hard to know where to start with this post because I have so many thoughts but they are all positive so if you are in for a story, sit back and relax.
The last show that I did was in April and I said that I didn't know if it would be my last. I felt really discouraged by NC NPC and I just felt I embarrassed myself every time by not placing. I felt also that sexiness helped, and I felt that wasn't who I was or what I wanted to represent so I stepped away. I was doing the clean eating thing at the time which I vowed to stop and I did April 13, 2014 and my life will never be the same. I started reversing my metabolism (literally immediately, I had one small froyo but I knew that not binging was so important to my metabolism's success).
As you all have watched, my life has been blessed ten fold since then and I have never loved fitness more. I was approached by a bikini sponsorship and that was my first moment I even thought of competing again. I felt that I wasn't approached by companies often, I liked this one, but I didn't know what to do if I wasn't planning on competing again. However, I took the sponsorship. Inevitably, I knew that meant I had to compete at some point.
I knew if I did it this time, I wouldn't prep. I wouldn't water restrict. I wasn't trying to be someone special that could step on stage without all of that but I just don't see the utility in torture, isolation from family and friends for months at a time all for one day that will be gone in a flash. Isn't it funny the way that humans are wired? Think about it. I listen to girls backstage talking about feeling like they may pass out and my heart breaks. WHY? JUST. WHY?
In a class of 30 girls, only 5 will move on and then they are normally left with huge emotional rollercoasters ahead trying to win back their metabolisms, figure out how to enjoy life now that they don't have this day approaching that keeps their entire existence in check. I see girls with baked goods in their bags that they have made for post show. I see them walk off the stage and shoveling brownies into their mouth just wanting to cry out to them that as much as they think they will love that now, they are going to wake up tomorrow with more water retention than a heart failure patient and if they continue for the weeks to come, they are going to gain weight quicker than they even knew possible (some gaining 20lbs in as little as a week). A lot of that is water, but some is not. Each time that they binge, they are pushing their metabolism further and further back. This continues in a cycle. They feel they can't win. They hate their bodies now because they know what it's like to be 'shredded' and an older lady who has been competing for years said that she has destroyed her metabolism so much that "coach" had her at 3 meals per day of chicken and brocolli and she was still not losing weight. AND THEY LAUGH ABOUT THIS. IT'S NOT FUNNY AND IT'S A PROBLEM.
I told a few girls about my diet. Some were super sweet and wanted to know more. Many, many girls rolled their eyes and got mad almost. I mean, I can understand! I would be mad too if I saw a girl eating as much as I was back stage (including pumpkin spice oreos) and I was not allowed to drink water and I was eating plain rice cakes and starving and feeling like I may pass out. It actually amazed me at the amount of people that did not know about macros at this show.
So, back to my story, I looked for shows in the area, and found one in Brooklyn. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to let anyone down if I backed out. I didn't want my family and friends to think "Oh she will say she won't prep, but secretly she is." I didn't want to take my hooker heels ( that's essentially what the shoes are ) out of their box and practice posing because I literally did not want to let myself think about. Reference previous post of always wanting more. I couldn't let myself get wrapped up. I had to just GO. And I did.
I'm not going to go into the day of competing other than to say, you wait and wait and wait and wait some more and then you wait some more. I will never understand why they don't have the competitors come in stages but bikini is always last and for example. I got there yesterday at 7:45am for check in, the show didn't start until 11:30 and bikini girls didn't go on until 4pm!!!!!!! There's not anything to do really so you just.....chill. I read an entire book yesterday.
However, I also met some really amazing girls with really cool stories. It makes me just love people. This was actually my first show that my husband was able to attend and Brandy was too along with my new friend from New York, Bridget. If nothing else, I was just happy they were there screaming for me. It was so wonderful.
They did top 5. I wasn't in it. They let the top 3 go and then moved the other two girls to the side and then put me in the middle. Essentially, as far as competing goes, that could mean that maybe they decided against those two girls and then put me in the middle so I thought I was 4th or 5th. That wasn't the case. Those two girls still were 4 and 5 and so at 11pm (remember I got there at 7:45am), I walk on stage, they call out 5 numbers and then tell the rest of us to go.
Normally, all these emotions wave over me. All I had was peace and happiness to be there. It was so incredible. Yea, of course, I was like "Well, that sucks" but then all these thoughts came into my head and I just wanted to share.
If you are on instagram, you see that literally every girl on there "makes nationals". I see girls from a wide variety in physique and they ALWAYS place. I always get so confused. I'm like "Do they do more than top 5 at yall's shows because not everyone can win" But it's all I see. So, it used to be like embarrassing like ... Is something wrong with my body? My posing? My tan? What?
This time, I seriously was so relaxed on stage and I straight worked it. HAHA!!! I had a ball!!!! I didn't care especially because I had literally just popped on stage without any prep. That was a win in my book ( and also I FULLY realize that a show with no prep is essentially only possible with bikini. If you are physique or bodybuilding or figure, that's an entirely different ball game). I don't know what it is about me that judges always put at my inevitable 6th place but when I say I don't care this time, I truly mean it. I really just want to be a light for the people that see my journey that your worth is never defined by what others think of you. You could be the most beautiful crayon in the box, and someone is not going to like that color. So, keep shining. Don't let you light die. Never give up. Never stop pushing forward. If you feel that God is closing doors, then you listen. He will open the ones that are meant for you.
I have learned to do things for fun. Work hard for those things, but enjoy the journey. If it doesn't work out, then it wasn't in your plan and that's just fine. Will I compete again? I'm not sure. Right now, I am so focused on my marathon and endurance training. All I want to do is run. I think about my love for it all the time. That is my passion and always has been. So, why would I be upset about competing? It would have been so arrogant of me. I almost would have been taking a trophy away from a girl who needed it that night more than me, a girl who wasn't interested in other things. It would have been just something to put on my resume of fitness and that's not okay. I want to always do things that spread light and love and happiness, and never giving up on your dreams but let your dreams change if you feel God tugging you in other directions. So, I'll leave you with this....
"God created us to be limitless, but we set limits on what we think we can do. We base our expectations on what others tell us and on our fears of what we think we can't achieve. Our inner voice can be like a terrorist whispering to us: "You're not strong enough. You're not smart enough. You're not good enough." ...We have all heard them. They encourage us to find an excuse to give up. They us it's okay to quit this time. What they don't tell us is that with each time we stop before we achieve our goal, it becomes a little easier to quit the next time." -Jason Lester, Running on Faith
With love and new limits,