So, as you all know, I came to NYC this weekend. I'm sorry for the lack of blogging. I had blogs planned, but sometimes relationships come first and spending times with the ones that you love is really important too so I let that go to the side for this weekend! :) This has been one of the top best weekends I've had in a really long time. It's funny though because I would have said last weekend was the same way. I think it's all relative, and I just tend to get really excited about everything (haha) but either way, this weekend was wonderful.
While it was wonderful, it made my heart ACHE....bad. I want to be back in this place so so bad. When we moved from New York City, everything was new to me. It was a change that I was okay with because it was new and exciting. Let me pause right here and say this first and foremost: I absolutely love Shelby. That is not going to change. I love my small town, and everything about it. I love the people and the community that we have formed. Shelby is also the place that I plan to raise my kids, and spend the rest of my life. So at 26 years old, I feel so young. I know that many many people do this even way before me, but I just feel there is SO MUCH life out there. There is so much travel. There is so many wonderful places to go. I feel like I wrapped that up too quickly in NYC.
When we moved from NYC, it was kind of one of those things that because of job situations, there were no other options. I won't go into the gory details of all of that, but living here for another year literally made no sense for us. As a family, we made the best decision for what was right for us, and it was right for us. But, boy does my heart hurt. The community of people that I have in NYC is like no other, and I miss them so much.
So, it leaves me with this feeling of regret and feeling robbed of my time here, and then I'm brought back to reality. I prayed about this hard core because I was in tears during the church service yesterday. I feel that my soul belongs in this city, and I can't be here anymore. But, just like always, here I was looking at the grass is always greener on the other side. I truly believe and I live my life knowing that the Lord has a plan much bigger than my own. I want everything planned out X-Y-Z and then if God decides to drop in some blessings along the way, I want to say "Oh God wanted me here" when really it was my own choosing in the first place.
When we moved to NYC, it was expensive. I remember telling Tanner so many times that I wasn't sure if this was God's plan or my own. I quickly realized that it was God's truly. We went through A LOT of struggles last year but we also were on the biggest high ever. It brought us to our knees, and closer to God than EVER before. My faith has never grown so much in one year. It is something that I will hold and keep with me for the rest of my life, and be able to tell my kids that the reason that I am who I am today is because of my one single year in New York City.
So, why regret that? There is absolutely nothing to regret. When I was here, and we were going through these things, I just couldn't believe some of the things. I didn't understand why this was happening to us in our "precious year" and I didn't enjoy the moments. I didn't relish in the fact that I could look out my freaking window and see the statue of liberty every morning. KATIE WHAT THE CRAP? How can we get in situations and get used to them? Now, don't get me wrong, I was in awe all the time of the life I was getting to live, but I also took it for granted.
I was starting my business, and it scared me so I poured myself into it all the time. I didn't know how I would pay these massive school loans I had if I didn't spend every minute working. (Let's be real, I'm still on that struggle bus LOL). I said no to many social events because of it. My husband worked evening shift, and I thought "well he can't go to anything so I feel guilty if I go" so many nights I would just stay at home alone. It wasn't that I was depressed or anything like that. I was happy as a little duck (are ducks' happy LOL), but I just wasn't enjoying my moments. I was performing. I was achieving. I was reaching for that never ending pinnacle of success that Katie Ringley always seems to not let go of.
Wow. Just wow. This weekend has rocked me. This weekend has made me want to move back to New York City, but this weekend has shown me that I had my time here and now God has me in a new place, a new season, and a new time to quit looking at everything that would make life better and what makes life beautiful RIGHT STINKIN NOW.
All I ask is that for those of my friends that are reading this that still live in New York, I know that we all complain. I know that we all talk about "when we will leave" but just pause for a second. Stop wishing your years in NYC down the drain. Stop wondering when you will leave because New York is HARD. Live every second like it's your last because from the other side, it's heart wrenching to know how many days you spent wondering what your next move was versus enjoying your current.
I'm a very thankful person. I'm a very "feel-sy" person, but in the depths of my heart, if I search it, I tend to always want something bigger and better. Thats the exact opposite of what God has for my life. He keeps saying to me "Katie, why am I not enough?" and I believe that is a hard lesson for me to learn.
He is enough. Always.
I also believe that God has made this place on Earth to be a playground for us. I think he looks down on us enjoying travel and culture, diversity and community and he smiles from ear to ear. He wants us to love every single moment. I don't believe in God blessing certain people but rather that when living a life in Christ, you find blessings in everything because you find joy in every single moment.