I'm rather emotional typing this because after pouring my heart into this blog, my safari shut down. That has been happening so much, and so I now know that I need to start typing all of my blogs into a word document first, but they don't transpose right and have weird spacing so it takes forever to fix, but oh well. I'll do it to avoid it getting deleted.
I think that in the world of my job being on the internet, I have fallen into a situation not where I’m ever fake, but just that I can’t ever share the hard sides of life. I find myself even on my personal facebook not being able to tell if I’ve had a bad day. It’s not that the internet needs to know my personal business ever, but sometimes I just want to be honest with you and share my heart because most of the time I’m positive patty.
Social media does this thing to us where we look at someone’s lives through the images that they portray to us and the life that they have created online and we think that if we had these certain qualities, our lives would be better. That’s why people follow instagrammers and bloggers. They are inspired by the lives of those around them, and that’s awesome. I truly think that it gives people purpose and pushes them. But, there’s also the negative of course. Blah blah comparison but my point is this… I look to different pages myself and when I see some things, I am inspired. I look at others, and I just simply feel … inadequate.
That led me to think about my own pages, and how I never really share the things that I’m struggling with, and I was thinking how there are probably people out there that are exhausted by my personality and feel inadequate because of the life that I live. I’ve had clients and even friends say “That makes me feel good to know that you had some of those same issues” as if they think that I don’t have any, or that I don’t anymore. I have felt that as a coach, I need to be an example. I have to hold my end of the deal and teach others how to do the same. I can’t struggle…in anything. That leads me to the perfection that I’m always striving for, and something that I will never reach.
I have felt that it’s my job to “get my junk together” if you will. People aren’t going to pay me to teach them if I’m not doing it myself, and I totally respect that and understand it. It has left me with some bottled up emotions that I think are spilling over this week.
I can’t be perfect… as if I ever thought I was…because that’s the whole issue. I never feel that way. It’s a never-ending chase. I think, “if I get to this point, well then I’ll be where I want to be.” That doesn’t pertain to any particular topic but really in everything that I’m ever doing. There’s always this never ending light at the end of the tunnel that I have to reach. I always thought that when I got pharmacy school out of the way, all of that would fade. Let’s be real, it’s a personality flaw not something that’s going to disappear.
I want to be the perfect wife, perfect friend, perfect coach, perfect athlete, and I just feel really overwhelmed. The one word that I always describe to my husband with how I feel is inadequate. He hates that word and says it is the last word to describe me, but I think that it really really encapsulated everything that I feel sometimes.
The reason that this is spilling over this week is that for the first time ever, I don’t really have a handle on my nutrition. I’m all over the stinkin place. It’s not a body image thing really. My body seems to adjust and do pretty well by small tweeks and I’m thankful for that, but I just don’t feel … right. Every single day I start over and by 4, I’m like “eh whatever, I’ll just eat whatever” and I end up going to bed every night feeling gross and starting over the next day. This has been going on for weeks now. I’m just like WHAT? I’m never like this. I chalk it up to intuitive eating, but that’s not what it is. I’m not “listening to my body” but rather in my head too much.
I thought I had this all figured out right…this is the one area that I could call mine. CONTROL. PERFECTION. Right? I think you know where this is going. Always, always, the Lord slaps me back into reality.
I was looking at pictures last night of when I went to Belize on a month long mission rotation, and reminded just how spiritually immature I was at the time. I missed my husband horribly, I missed my routine, and I was hardly able to enjoy what God was giving me in those moments because I couldn’t wait to get home. In reality, I look back and I was some weird head case that month. I had no structure or routine, and my perfection paralysis went haywire. I was like “GOD WHAT AM I DOING HERE!”
I always envisioned myself LOVING foreign missions, and then when in the battlefield, I couldn’t wait to leave. It’s embarrassing really. I’ve grown so much, but the over arching theme is that God could have used me, grown me, SO much during that time but I was too stuck in my own ways of wanting to control. I wanted to cross my t’s and dot my I’s and that’s just not life in Belize. You might have kind of warm water for a shower, but maybe not. You might have nutritious foods, but sometimes and most of the time not.
I find myself in those moments last night and relating them to the way that I’m living my life now. I’m in my routine, and I have control over that. If that routine goes off and if my perfection radar is not fulfilled, I have these overwhelming feelings of inadequacies. I find myself consumed.
“I need to get more workout programs out. People gave me lots of feedback that they want more workouts. I need to get this video done for my newest program release. I haven’t even finished check-ins for this week and worked 12 hours yesterday. I need to get an affiliate program started for this new program. Everyone youtubes their life…I don’t have time to edit. I’m not technologically sound. I don’t know how to create those fancy things. I really want to get into online Christian ministry as well (Katie, calm down, you have enough on your plate). I haven’t finished Christmas shopping. I have to find a place to stay in Boston. I have to find things for us to do on New Years. I’m having a Christmas party next Monday…what was I thinking? Oh yea. That’s what I love. I have so much student loan debt. How did I get this much debt. LORD JESUS ITS SO MUCH DEBT. I have a speaking event on Thursday-I need to plan that out. I need to get food for that. I never keep Jackson at my house overnight. I want him to know me better. I want him to say my name! I never have enough time for all the people I love.” – LEGIT THAT’S MY BRAIN. INADEQUATE FEELINGS. HOLY COW WHEN I WRITE IT OUT.
This morning even when my blog was deleted, I was just like UH I AM SO BUSY!!! My husband asked me if I had done my quiet time, and I told him I would catch up tomorrow and that I was too busy. He was like GIRL ARE YOU KIDDING ME? GO NOW.
So, well, I did. I made another cup of coffee, I left my computer for 30 minutes and I went into the other room. I read my passages for today, and still felt pretty empty. Where are you Lord? But I know I needed something, so I just started praying.
All of the scriptures are beautiful. All of the devotionals that we read are wonderful, but there is nothing that can compare to just genuine relationship and prayer with the one who loves us the most….the one that says that we are perfect just the way that we are.
It’s like that huge paragraph of all of those feelings, and I just feel this peace. DEEP BREATH. NAMASTE ;) haha!
The life that I have here on this Earth is not my own, it’s really not according to the way that I feel. All of those feelings, they are pointless. This life isn’t even about that. Resting our thoughts and our brains and taking a moment of meditation if you will is basically priceless. If I thought about what the Lord wanted for my life, I would say the last thing on his list would be “productive.” Inadequacies are just another form of fear, another form of mistrust, and in letting go of those things and giving up myself to the will of God in my life, I know I personally find peace.
So, I do struggle…just like everyone else. I’m not always positive patty and I have perfection paralysis and feelings of inadequacies that consume me. I’m not sure how to end this other than thanks for reading along.