I remember the days when I thought food would forever plague me.
I remember the nights that turned into guilty mornings that led into guilty days because of food that I chose to eat.
I remember hoping the stomach growling wouldn't start today or that the cravings didn't begin late at night when it felt impossible to fight them.
I remember the tears, the heartache, and the altered life because of the simple act of eating.
Thoughts everyday that seemed to be my entire existence:
"She's so skinny. I wonder what she eats. I wonder how little I could eat today. I feel so fat today. I can feel my stomach even. I wish I could lose more weight. I wish I could change so many things about my body. I want to escape this. How does she just eat when she's hungry? Why is it so hard when it used to be so easy? I will never gain control."
I can vividly recall day after day after day of thinking that it would never go away. I was chosen to live this life I had decided. Every day, my husband telling me it would go away if I believed in my prayers. Every day me telling him he would never understand what I go through and that I desperately wished it were that easy.
I can vividly remember the all aching body sobs of wanting it to all end. I wanted so much to live a life of freedom and of peace. I remember the books I read, the people I discussed it with, and the different avenues that I took and each time I felt more and more like a failure.
And you know the weirdest part, the one thing that I can't remember is when it stopped. But it did. I can't remember this grand moment when all was cured and I never thought about it at all. But it happened. I don't have tips for you because that's not the point of this. I'm not telling you to sign up with me on some macro counting plan because that's DEFINITELY not the answer. I'm just simply here to tell you, I am someone who can vividly remember and now it's gone. And I hope that gives you hope.
With love and healing,