So, I was thinking about when people visit my page they think about how I run so much and all the races that I’m doing and how they could never do that, and it brings me back to the very first time that I went on a for real 3 mile run, and I can vividly remember that time like it was yesterday. I thought I’d tell that story, because we still laugh about it today as the first run was with Tanner.
When I went to Campbell in the fall of 2010 for pharmacy school, I legit knew NO ONE. I had ZERO friends, and I was going through a nasty break up. Working out was the LAST thing that I wanted to do. For those that are depressed and struggle with working out, I totally feel you. People would tell me that it would make me feel better so I would go to the gym, and legit like look at machines, wander around some and then walk out the door. I would waste hours just meandering through everything because I just couldn’t focus on life. It was areally…REALLY hard time in my life.
Every single morning, the girl that I had moved in with would get up at 6am before class and go workout. I would tell her that I was going to go with her and every single time the alarm went off, I would say that I was not going to go. She didn’t know me well, and I was NOT a joy to be around during the time so I can only imagine what she thought of me. I know that it wasn’t good things, and I get it. But, I also knew that during that time and that didn’t help me any. I had never felt so alone.
I was always a goodie goodie, but at this time, that all went out the window. I started going to parties, and this is also when the awful binge eating started. I gained 20 pounds in the spam of a month or two, and whereas my face is normally long and lean, was super round. I think this was from the cortisol of binging as well as just life in general. I should do a side by side of me at the same weight but from that time. It is MIND blowing what my face looks like and just goes to show that when you are not taking care of yourself, your body is giving you signals and letting you know it is NOT okay. I started getting acne everywhere. I attributed this at the time to the fact that I had gained weight, but I know now it was DEFINITELY the food that I was eating. Fast food all day every day splashed in with some days of starvation-you know-normal stuff #NOT
One day Brandy (my best friend to this day) stood up in front of the class and told us she was going to hold a bible study at her house. I have always been a believer so of course I signed up, and seriously, she was my angel. We hit it off immediately and started spending all of our time together. She was actually against alcohol at that time (which is hilarious to think about now) and so of course, I naturally just didn’t drink. The friendships that I had before her started to dissolve, but that was super awkward too. Campbell was hard for me just all around to be honest. The binging habits were in place at this point so even though I stopped partying and had a best friend, of course that continued.
I met Tanner in November/December, and we fell for each other quick. I felt I had to tell him about my issues so I told him within like the first week of knowing him because I could tell he was serious about me, I felt that I was going to deal with this for the rest of my life (HOLLER I’M NOT), and that this would affect him greatly. I felt that unfair to him, and told him that he probably shouldn’t be with me because I was a wreck. He basically heard that to mean “I’m gonna save you.” In the beginning stages of him doing this, I was actually REALLY annoyed to the point of almost not wanting to be with him. He monitored me like a hawk and for those that know about these issues, you want them to hide in the dark. You don’t want to talk about it, and it was really awkward. I would yell for him to get out of my business…you know…real dramatic stuff here folks. I’m such a different person now. LOLZ. I can remember coming home from a GI appointment that he had made for me. He didn’t understand why I had never been to the doctor about my digestion and that he felt it was really dangerous because I would go a month without going. They, of course, knew nothing to help, and so I was really upset and wanted to be alone. He just waited on my doorstep for me. Lord have mercy yall, I’ve never been so pursued by a boy. Good job Tanner because I sure wouldn’t have wanted to date me. Thanks for stickin it out dude ;)
It’s funny thinking about my digestion at that time. DUHHHHHH. I was “so confused” but yet I was starving one day, eating fast food all day the next, and the cycle just continued. HELLLO.
Tanner has been into fitness since high school, and is actually the reason that I got into it. He would go lift weights every day, and I thought that was really attractive yet crazy. I thought he was a meat head, but he looked good so I was okay with that. HAHAHA! At the time, he knew nothing about nutrition so he would eat COPIOUS amounts ofterrible food (he still does but just better for you). I’m talking like 6 dollar menu McDonalds burgers at one time and thought that gave him good protein. Good times.
Nevertheless, he asked if I ever ran. I wanted to impress him, and I had been super fit in high school, and even the year before had went on very short jogs with my friend Valerie, who is now also a marathon runner. We legit would go like a mile and think it was something so I told him of course.
Yall, my body was wrecked and I tried to move my body at his speed for 3 miles. I’ve never felt so awful. I hated every single step. I was pissed off because I was embarrassed and also competitive and by the second mile, I legit thought that I was going to just die. Tanner asked if he could go ahead and finish up with some speed, and I was like WHATEVER JUST GO. I was SO overdramatic, but I can remember crying after this run. I was so out of shape, but I liked to think that because I was small that no matter what, I would still be in shape. Uh, no. A friend convinved me to sign up for a half marathon, and I hated every single run. I won’t say I hated every single one, but close. The furthest that I went before my half was 8 miles, and I knew I’d never make it race day. I went out to dinner with my family before the race, and I cried because I didn’t want to go. They told me I didn’t HAVE to do it, but I was so embarrassed because of this friend that I showed up.
I finished of course, and I was so happy and proud of myself, but it definitely wasn’t something that I was going to continue. I didn’t run for like 2 months after that day.
It wouldn’t be for another 3 years that I picked it up again and fell in love. My life was different, my mindset was different, I was taking care of myself with nutrition, I was doing my runs that I was supposed to do so everything felt great.
I get a lot of emails and comments about how inspirational that I am, and I’m honestly surprised by them each time. I’ve not always been this girl. I had to fight to become this girl, but I wanted it. The person that you are right now doesn’t’ define what your future looks like. You do NOT have to be stuck in that hole. It might take you some time (took me 3 years) but slowly, you’ll come out of it. That doesn’t mean that running is going to be what you do when you come out of it, but sometimes I think it helps to see someone who has been at her rock bottom and climbed her way back out. That girl was a HOT MESS binging to oblivion every other day, winded from a short jog like it was a marathon, and would go weeks without going to the bathroom. When you start taking care of yourself, it’s this domino effect. You see the results not just in your body but in your clarity, your focus, and your drive and so that gives you the motivation to want to do more and more.