I feel like this is one of those blogs that I'm hopeful that many of you can relate to.
Ever feel like you are in a constant search for who you are, what your purpose is, and how are you going to fulfill that? I want this blog to come across in the type of language that I want it to be so I'm going to say upfront that this is NOT meant to be negative. It's meant to let you know that it's a journey and I sometimes wonder if there is ever a landing spot, and that it can either be a fun discovery or a destructive one, whichever path you choose.
We think that if we can land at a certain point in time that we will be happy and we will have it all figured out. It's so funny how we truly believe that when we graduate from college and the dust finally settles from the 18-25 years of beating that we have had from school our entire lives, we are going to have it all figured out. Like, suddenly, poof! Sorry to break it to the college girls, but it doesn't work like that! ;) I know that a big part of me has an identity that is wrapped up in when I will have children and that THAT will finally complete me as a human, but I know that's not true either.
I know that many that follow my blog know this about me, but also might not share this with me, and that's totally fine, but I personally believe that's because my hole is not being filled up with the only one that can totally give me purpose and that's Jesus. For the longest time, I kept striving and striving for this ultimate place of self discovery but it doesn't come. When is the "enough" button ever clicked?
We get excited to make goals. We get excited to become better humans, make more money, become more successful, and the chase quite literally never ends. We wonder if we are doing what God has called us to do, and we struggle if we feel we aren't living that out. We become happy in those moments when we say "Okay this is it" but then it quickly fades the next day when someone has it better.
I know for me, I'm super self aware of people, but in a way that I love to evaluate the things about them that make them awesome and try to pull from those things. I had dinner with two of my favorite girls in the whole world last night and they both are so inspirational on so many levels. I want to be more confident and genuinely happy in who I am like Valerie and I want to be more witty and hilarious like Molly, and we can take those pieces and be inspired by them to make the world a better place, but then at the end of the day, what are we resting in? Are we resting in that we weren't good enough or that we are aspiring to be better? Because there's a big difference.
As someone who has grown up in her 20's sharing most of it online (started at age 23 and now I'm 27), I have felt self conscious in the change up of who I was not on a fundamental level but just small things, and that all changed a few months prior. I'm not sure when it finally became okay, but I also know that that's why I can share it now. Isn't that always how it works? When we are struggling, it's a bit hard to let others know about it, but when we kind of get through those rough patches, we hope to share them in hopes that maybe someone else is in the midst. And I think we are all in the midst of that self discovery but just being confident in the natural change that will occur in your early to late twenties. Heck, maybe it's something that continues our entire lives, but I can't speak on that because I'm not there yet personally! ;)
I think about Taylor Swift and how many mistakes that she has made growing up, but she's growing up right in front of our eyes. Can't we give her some space of self discovery? I think about people who make mistakes and then change. I think that we need to allow others the same grace that we wish to be extended to us in our change. And most of all, I think that we need to rest in the fact that we are GOING to change.
The thing that has helped me the most in all of my seasons of change and that I've honed in like crazy recently is the element of accepting the change as a good thing, and not a piece of yourself dying. For the past like 6 months, I've just felt that I didn't know what was happening. I was going through a midlife crisis when I'm way too young for that, but couldn't even place a finger on the reasons for what I was feeling. Then, of course, you convince yourself you have anxiety based on every article you read online, and I think that part of it is just growing up, and that we all have some kind of baseline anxiety. It's just natural. (I know there is ACTUAL clinical anxiety that some people have). So, what can you do?
Side Note: This guy below says that he learns more about women daily from being married to me (ha) but he is the epitome of grace in a husband. He loves me so so well.
Every day doesn't have to be a decision on your future, and every day doesn't have to be about all of those thoughts that fill our brains (as women I think most of the time lol). If we can just sit, rest, and let the change happen knowing that we are good people and that all of the other stuff is just details, then you know that you're okay. (Also therapists are cool too and I still think would be beneficial in my own life because who doesn't need an unbiased ear to listen to our junk, right?)
What if I woke up tomorrow and never wanted to run again? Well, we all know THAT won't happen but what if it did? Or what if (God forbid) something happened and I couldn't run anymore. Who am I at the root of my being? Am I a good person? Do I try to live a life that Christ would have me live striving for it the best that I can? Do I love my husband with all of me and am I a good sister/daughter/and friend? Am I loving sacrificially and wholly to those around me and giving thought to the pre conceived bias/prejudice/ or malice that might systematically be in place from a society that has taught those things?
When you sit down and look at your root, are you a good person? I think that most of you reading this are very good people. I think that we all, by the nature of humans, want to be kind and loving, but all of those other "purpose" pieces can't seem to fall into place, but I don't think that they are meant to. I think that we are supposed to give those up. I think that when we are following the natural nature of just being kind and loving and good that the purpose will naturally shift and come into place.
I think we think too much, but I think it's important to work through these emotions of self discovery to get to the other side where you can rest. Let your sweet mind rest, girlfriend. Because the other side is beautiful. It's a place that you can look at the woman that you are and you can say, you know what, she still has some learning and pruning to do and that's exciting, but she wants so much good. She desires it with her whole heart, and she wants to give it out like candy.
I want to be a woman who when you look at me, you see the eyes of Jesus that is nothing of my own doing but simply him pouring out of me, but I could not (and cannot) become that with the self inflicted narcissism that our society tells us to have where we are always concerned for our next jump up the ladder. The ladder doesn't need to be climbed. We just need to rest on that first step knowing that at our core, if we are good, then that's all that matters.