Into the quiet

Have you ever had those moments where you know without a shadow of a doubt that something is meant to be in your path for your purpose and for the direction of the way that your life should go. There are few things like that, but there are those moments where you just KNOW. 

That's how I felt about stepping away from Katiesfitscript instagram/facebook page/only blogging when I feel led (which of course led me to today). I have never felt more strongly the calling of God to step into the unknown. 

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders. 

You know when you step into the unknown, and it's exciting. You are like YES I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR, and you feel it to the core of who you are. But after a few weeks, things are silent, things are different, and the change has set in. 

The path of purpose is so evident when you are spewing your name all over the world. "Look at me. Look what I'm doing. Look how much I love Jesus, and my husband, and I run and I lift weights. Horray." It's so evident when a career is unfolding before me without even trying, and there are people that I am able to directly impact their life and cause positive change. OF COURSE THAT'S SPIRIT LED RIGHT? OF COURSE THAT'S GODS DIRECTION.

But what about the silence? Can I trust and can I believe that the purpose is still there when NOTHING is happening? 

I don't need my name in lights. I'm famous in my Father's eyes. Make no mistake. He knows my name. 

One of the very reasons that I stepped away was because of the intense desire of CONSTANTLY pleasing others and unfortunately never (EVER) reaching any possible place of satisfaction of who I felt others thought me to be. As time wore on, the only words I thought about myself were: 

inadequate, embarrassing (to be constantly be posting selfies at the age of 27), narcissistic (for it being all about my life), not enough (for companies and collaborations and clients to choose me as their coach)

Did I know how ridiculous this was? ABSOLUTELY. Did I think it was stupid and want it to stop? Every.single.day. But when the tears flowed down my face for the 500th time because of something someone said, a client who left me for another coach, and a company who went with someone else, the number of likes on my freakin picture were not enough, I was tired of ignoring it. Every word feels sensitive in this blog like I'm not allowed to say these things. No one...NO ONE is allowed to say these things because "Be confident. Be you. Who cares about these things?" I GET IT. BELIEVE ME I GET IT. 

Please do not mistake this for being the way that everyone feels. That is absolutely NOT the case. For two solid years, I never felt these things at all, but when I started to feel them, I fought it for as long as I could, but eventually it got to be ridiculous. 

I literally would go to other runner pages and look at the number of likes on their pictures, then look at the number of people that followed them, and would tell myself that people were literally scrolling past my picture, rolling their eyes at how much they hated me, because how else did I have X amount of followers with such low engagement on my photos? 

You can roll your eyes at me, or you can sit in the truth that unfortunately, this is our culture, and as a 27 year old female who is actually pretty dang confident in who she is, I was not able to fight these emotions and therefore I worry about the generation of teenagers who are so immersed in a culture of likes and followers. I know you've heard it so many times before this blog, so I know it's nothing new, but I want to be a direct voice of someone that it MATTERED. LIKES AND FOLLOWERS EQUAL ACCEPTANCE RIGHT? 

NO. 

I had to walk away. Who was this person who saw my friends and felt resentment in my heart because they were getting opportunities that I craved? Who was this person that cried because she felt she was giving her all to a culture who could literally care less about her? Who is this person that is straight up TERRIFIED to share her faith after 2016 and the elections because of how Christians were portrayed and who honestly, brutally honestly, started to question how she felt about her faith at all.

So, I walked into the silence into the arms of a God that I knew found every single hair on my head to be special. And then it got quieter...and quieter...and quieter. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still on social media and I've never claimed to be off the grid. I just had to walk away from it being my only job and my focus. (I'll be working full time pharmacy for those curious actually with 2 part times soon so that's exciting.) I also am not trying to blog about not blogging or something weird. hahaha! I just felt like blogging soooo here I am.

I love to blog. I love to write. It's literally a place of solitude for me, and like that I can connect with others through it. It's always been that way, so I thought that as I felt led, I would continue to share the different points of why I made the decision that I did. Who even knows if this blog will be about fitness at all unless I want the topic of the day to be about that, but at this point, I just want nothing to be calculated because of the way things "should be done" on social media. I just want to be me again. And I know you'll tell me that's been enough all along, and I want to believe you. But for the past year, I was trudged through the muddy waters that no matter how desperately I wanted that to be good enough, it never was. 

My husband just saw me writing in this little blog box, and he said "Are you sure you want to do that? I get protective because with two words, people can make a judgement about you when I know the real you. Just be careful." I'm so thankful for such a sweet husband (it's his birthday-I love him so lol). But how sad that I feel I have to be so careful? Just as I'm hopeful that the only people that followed me over to my @_katieamelia Instagram will be the people that love me, therefore I'm hopeful that the only people that continue to read this blog will be those that love me as well (ha - good joke I know LOLOL). 

I am in the quietest season that I've ever been...the least busy...the least exciting. And I have never felt more present to who I truly am and who I'm designed to be. I have had to blindly trust that when I was called into this season, the season to give up this thing that I had worked years to create, that it was for my good. 

And we all know that in all things, God works for the good of those that love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I haven't ran since Boston yet, but man I'm so excited to get back out there, but just trying to be mindful and mature about recovery of course.

I hope you see my heart in this, and not my crazy. I love you all. 

 

 

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