And it's something that happens so frequently (at least to me) and yet I never fully embraced this until recently.
I saw that one of my best friends, Steph, wrote a blog post on this and I promised myself that I wouldn't read it until I wrote this because I didn't want to steal her thoughts (lol). But I wanted to write this now so that I could read Steph's! ;) Here is the link to hers!
I always write things on the OTHER side of the struggle because it's always hard to see exactly what you're even experiencing when you're in the middle of it. You think that you are living out life the way that it's intended and then you look back and are enlightened. One of the biggest things that I never allowed myself grace in was the fact that I change. I change frequently. And I beat myself up about it a lot. I told myself that it was immature, that I didn't know who I was, and that people would think that I'm silly. And this isn't just about blogging or what not, but all things in between.
The very core of who I am never changes, but I convince myself that from the outside, that looks different.
You're allowed to go back to school at age 30 and completely change your career. You're allowed to leave friendships and relationships that aren't treating you well. You're allowed to leave the job that doesn't fulfill you if it's appropriate at the time. You're allowed to enjoy one hobby and move on to the next.
The one moment this hit me was while I was watching a video by Kalel, who is a vegan youtuber, and she just recently changed like her "style" if you will. She does this often. She had long bleach blonde hair and recently went more natural and cut her hair short. She isn't wearing as much make up and she seems to be wearing slightly different clothes. You might think she is trying to make a statement to her 2 million youtube fans, but no, she just changes a lot, and she fully came into her next identity with grace. I saw a comment that someone put how they loved her new change, and she said "While it seems that everyone hates me for it, I will never be ashamed or hold back the changes that occur in who I am. I will continue to evolve and grow and change."
It was in that moment that it CLICKED! Light bulb. That's it. That's what I've been so scared of, and feeling so silly about. I have felt as if change meant shame, and seriously, I'm not kidding, in that moment of reading the response she gave back, it was like all this confidence came swirling into me. I think it's that reassurance also of like "Yes, I'm not alone here!!"
When you are a personality on the internet such as Kalel or anyone for that matter, the world doesn't like to see you change. They follow you for a specific reason, for that singular purpose and if you make drastic change, it's like "Wait what? Who is this person?" BUMP.THAT.
Taylor Swift has grown up before our eyes, and as she goes through all the awkward stages, dating phases, and even things that she might do wrong, we see EVERY moment of it. If you are a fan of Taylor at all, you know that she has gone into hiding. No one knows where she is or what she is doing, and I don't think it's a publicity stunt. I think she literally had had enough. Because the world doesn't allow change and growth. No one is perfect, even Taylor Swift! ;) (Carrie Underwood is pretty close though LOL)
I know many people who have competed in bodybuilding shows that no longer do it at all anymore. I've known people that are marathon runners that just stopped doing it one day (a pro just recently did this actually). There's vegans who become non vegan, there's non vegans that become 100% vegan for life, there's sedentary people that become ultra runners, there's crack addicts that become pastors, there's teachers that become lawyers, and lawyers that become famous on social media and do it fulltime. And when someone moves into something that we think is okay, we are okay, but if someone moves into another area of their life that we aren't as familiar with or think is silly, we judge. I know it's just natural human nature, but for the love...
We know that the judgement is there and so in our own lives, we are scared to be creative and explore who we are. We have to do what's safe, and we don't even speak it. We just do it deep down because it's what is ingrained in us. Quitting that job is SCARY so we don't. We stay for YEARS miserable. We say it's to put food on the table, but we also don't actively look for anything else.
I have experienced WAY too much death this year. My mom's best friend passed away suddenly two nights ago. She had dinner with her just the other night. They have been best friends for 25 years, and had dinner every single month and gone on a trip EVERY SINGLE YEAR for 25 years. And now she's gone. It's actually a group of 4 (my mom and three others). Do you know how much change has been there over the past 25 years?! Can you imagine? There have been 2 divorces, 8 children born, weight loss and gain, hobbies come and gone, houses bought, built, and sold and on and on it goes. IT'S OKAY. IT'S EXPECTED. True love and friendship is meeting them in the middle and saying "I don't care. I love you anyway." Now, they have the biggest change ahead of them. Now there's only three, and it feels too much. But, they will love and cry and hug and pray like they always do through the change.
See, they even loved each other through style changes! ;) How precious are these four?
The only one consistent in life is change.
With her passing, it got me thinking about change however. Change that is inevitable and change that we don't allow ourselves to make because of fear of so many different things. We are guided and live by fear of change. BUT WHY? I'm not trying to be cliche here, but LIFE IS SHORT!! You have a few years and you're not guaranteed ANY of them, but yet we sit in the background afraid to be who we are for fear of change. You are FREE to be who you are, and you are FREE to walk around in the muddiness of it all as you figure out who that is.
I know I'm going to change a million times over, as I've already done through the years, and I'm finally able to be at peace with this. Peace. It's a beautiful thing.