Self Assessment VS Self Loathing

Ever look at yourself and just think "Man, I am a hot mess express right now"? That's how I feel sometimes (well-a lot of times). The past year has really tested me in many ways that comes in waves. I think we all know that we share our best times, and that's only natural. No one wants to hear about others bad times, and it requires some vulnerability to admit those things, but I like to be vulnerable in that, my self assessments weren't too kind to myself. 

I'm really huge on really evaluating your life and seeing the things that I can do better. I listened to an audiobook called "The subtle art of not giving a f***" and while I really didn't enjoy hearing that word so many times, I think that he makes some really valid points about the way that we should live our lives, and one of those is that always striving for big goals actually makes you less happy. I know myself well enough personally that I know that goals do make me happy and reaching those goals make me happy but relaxing in the person that you are and not always striving to do this and that can actually make you a more relaxed, happier person and I would have to agree with that. 

I think there is a happy line as well between taking self assessments to the next level and just being down right rude to yourself. We all do it, and it's easy to sink into but it's also just really silly and purposeless. Many times however, people won't let you self assess. We all know ourselves well enough to know we have crossed that line but I think it's okay to say "I'm a hot mess. I messed up. I need to fix this." and the other person doesn't have to say "Oh nooooo. It's okayyyy. You didn't mess up!! Life is grand!" It's human nature for the other person to not know what to say if someone is self assessing, but sometimes I think a valid answer would be: If you feel that this is something that you are struggling with, then I'd love to walk with you through that and help you in any way that I can. 

There are all levels of friendships but the people who can say the above, well, you know you're close to them because they just get it. Many times with Tanner, I will say the words "this is objective so don't caddle me" before I go into a self assessment. He knows the difference. haha! I'm like "Yo. Don't feed me a line to try and pity me when I genuinely need to work on this area of my life." or even if I say "Yo. I look horrible" and he's like "Oh no sweetie, you look great!" That's nice in theory but like no, I look a mess. I need a shower. haha! 

My line has become blurred over the past year because I just really have been disappointed in myself for many reasons that I feel are valid. I'm human. I mess up. I make mistakes. We all know this. haha! There isn't one thing that happened but many mess ups. For example, I am either 100% organized or 100% in another world. I have always thought "Oh I can multitask" but the truth is that none of us can. I joke about losing my keys but I don't like the fact that it's because I'm not present and paying attention. I almost lost my keys in Miami the day we were leaving. That would have been a disaster. I lost my debit card right before I left for Miami. I cracked my phone not too long ago. I had a bump up in my car. I forgot to update clients/friends on things when coming back from Miami. Your natural inclination is to say "Oh no Katie, we all do these things. Don't be so hard on yourself." and I, of course, agree to an extent but there's a moment where we have to look at ourselves and say "This is not self loathing. I'm just simply saying these are things that have to change. I must be more present. I must be more responsible. I must be more organized." 

And then you make change. That's the only way that I've been able to have positive change throughout my life is with blunt, brutal force. I don't change things and habits well. It's hard for me and I think it's hard for most people. My husband makes positive change quickly and really well, and maybe that's a guy thing. I don't know. haha! I'm like "hey will you eat vegan?" and he's like YEA! and goes from 6 eggs and oats in the morning to a banana kale smoothie with flax seed and spirulina in literally a day and never looks back. Like what? haha!

The point of all of this is to say that I think we have become a culture obsessed with "accepting ourselves" and if you aren't accepting yourself then you're hating yourself. I know there's all kinds of variances of that, and it's not that black and white, but I think that it's okay to really look at your life and changes that you need to make and that doesn't mean that you hate yourself. If you cross that line, and you only know you best, then it might be something that you want to work on with someone more qualified than your own thoughts. 

I wrote a post a while back that I'm sure if you are a regular follower then you know about and that is when I organized my life, and it made a HUGE difference in the way that I approach my organization and I still have many of those habits in place. I started doing things IMMEDIATELY when they would come up and it shifted my stress levels so much. But, of course, we fall back into those things and have to revisit. Life is a beautiful mess that always gives us the opportunity to hit restart on most things. I think part of the reason that I've been so hard on myself in the past year is the amount of change, and the amount of times that I CAN'T restart things that I've given up, but I go back to those being the best for me at the time through lots of thought and prayer and am resting in that and doing my best moving forward. 

I'm so excited for this weekend fun and Fourth of July! I'm thankful and proud to live in this country even if our country could use some self assessments as well right now! ;) ;) 

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