The breakup that almost broke me

Okay, so I have been thinking about whether I wanted to write this for a while. I always try to be so positive but I also wanted to show the reality of something that I've been through in the past.

I would like to start with the usual disclaimers. Maybe I do this to keep away the haters, who knows, but either way I like to start with all the things I want you to know before you read my post. 

  • I know that I don't have to share these things. I even made a post a while back about how social media makes us forget about the privacy of our lives. I'm not taking that back. I'm simply sharing a story that I think will help those who may be going through a similar situation. 
  • I asked my husband prior to writing this if he minded. His response: "Thank you so much for asking me. I actually would have been weirded out if I had just seen it online so I'm glad you asked, but I'm totally okay with it because I know you'll be mature about it." 
  • I know I'm still very young. I know that I don't know all there is to know about life (I pretty much know hardly anything), but I do know what a true heart wrenching heartbreak feels like so I wanted to share my story.

For those that don't know, I went through a terrible breakup 4 years ago. {Has it seriously been four years now? wow!} While I wish that I could tell you that I handled it in this super mature manner, that is the furthest thing from the truth. It's crazy how much you can mature and change in 4 years. It's also cool how the Lord restores your soul and helps you to forgive those that hurt you. 

I feel it's important that I say this too: I am so deeply in love with my husband, it's not even funny. I can't fathom life without him in it. I am so deeply thankful for the life that I have with him.

But that wasn't my plan. I had other plans four years ago. I dated someone for 4.5 years and I was so sure of my future. And not only loving him, but I loved his family (still do), and I mean aunts, uncles, sister, brother, mom, dad, cousins, grandparents.

I was literally, and I mean literally 100% convinced I was meant to be with this person. I was smacked right in the face with the reality that someone else didn't feel the same way. No matter how much I begged, pleaded, cried myself to sleep, cried myself to exhaustion, didn't sleep, didn't eat, and wrote letters, it was simply not my choice. And that happens. I look from my four years later lens, and I understand now that sometimes relationships don't work out, people move on, and that's okay. However, I will tell you one thing.

Heartbreak will make you crazy.

You can be the most normal person in the world, and you add heartbreak and you might as well have stepped off the crazy bridge. I share these emotions because I just simply know I'm not alone. I feel as if you would have taken my blood pressure or my pulse for the four months post break-up, and it would have been at sky high levels. I thought about it every second of every day. Oh my gosh, I was so pathetic. I honestly probably cried more during those times then my entire life combined. Geez louise. I, immaturely, talked to everyone that would listen to me about it because I just had to get these thoughts out of my head. I don't know why I handled it so terribly. I wanted so badly to handle it well. 

But, I would rather break both of my legs at one time then go through another heartbreak.

Before this happened, I was semi healthy with the way I handled food but I was still heavily restrictive. When this occurred, I told myself that food restriction was so silly in a world of so much pain, so much hurt. So, this is the moments that I switched gears. I had never binged before but I didn't care. I just wanted to fill the void so I filled it with food. I would drive from fast food restaurant to the next eating huge meals in one night and then just sit and cry but it almost felt okay to numb the heartbreak with the pain in my stomach.

{Sometimes, I get hate on this blog and I will just nicely ask that you be cognizant of the fact that I'm truly sharing deep stuff with simply trying to inspire others that they CAN CHANGE. So, please have a heart and be nice.}

We did the awful thing of keeping communication with one another. We even saw one another pretty frequently. Oh how silly. This is not about breakup advice but if I have one piece of advice: Don't do that. Cut, done, ova. Human nature is to have hope. Human nature is for the other to be nice. One ends up having hope but confused, and the other ends up never changing his mind. 

I FINALLY decided to cut all ties, and the following week was the hardest I had ever went through. But yet, I felt relief. My new hope was in the fact that my life was moving forward now not backward. 

I realized there was a bigger plan.

But, the eating habits had then been created. I knew I had a brighter future but I was now head deep in another realm of disorder, one that I had never dealt with before. Then the comments began, "You look great! Oh my gosh you finally gained weight. You look so fantastic." 

Every time, these comments were a knife to my gut. They screamed, "I simply lost control. They have no idea." Then, I would restrict the next day to follow that day with a  day of binge eating all day. It was every other day. I look back at pictures, and my face was SO ROUND. If you know me, I have a long face. It wasn't long because of the hormones. I had a moon face.

I am also a HUGE sleeper. At night, it is like I have taken sedatives and I can't keep my eyes open but during this time, I couldn't sleep. I would spend all night long just thinking, writing, and doing literally nothing. I would look at people's facebook just to pass the time. I have no recollection of how I would waste entire nights at one time, but I would. 

After cutting ties, my heart started healing. I would find myself going at least one day at a time that I wouldn't think about it, and I knew I was making progress. I would play Sara Evan's song "A little Bit Stronger" and I would find hope. I look back now and I'm almost thankful. Is that weird? I'm thankful for an experience that made me grow, an experience that made me know true pain. I can empathize now. I can feel the pain when someone tells me their heart is breaking. I'm thankful for the maturity through it all. I'm thankful for learning how NOT to EVER handle a situation.

I'm thankful for a healed heart and a sovereign God.

Then, I met Tanner. One week into our relationship, I sat him down because I knew he needed to know and told him "I think you should know this about me. I have an eating disorder." I won't go into details, but he never skipped a beat in loving me. Not one time did he stop loving me. From day one, that boy has loved me the way that Christ loves the church. He told me he's never felt such a calling that I was to be his wife. The first time that he told me he loved me, I told him I didn't think I was ready. I. SUCK. He loved me anyway. He chose me. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't want to just portray some romantic storybook novel. We argue. He gets on my nerves sometimes and I get on his. I'm not trying to be fake here. 

My point is this: Many times we go through some really hard times. We feel absolutely broken. We abandon our faith. And many times we turn to food. We think there is never any hope. We think we will never heal. You are going to have to FIGHT. You are going to have to want it. But, as God as my witness, you can heal. He knows the bigger picture. He can see the other side. If you trust and believe through each hardship, praising Him the entire way, He will show you that He is faithful, He is just, and He is on time. 

With love and healed heartaches,


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