So, as you all know, I started reading the bible last January. She reads truth was a new app that you could get, and I started the 365 plan and decided I was going to try to commit to that. At the beginning of the year, the goal was to write out just one liners about what the passage was about. That is a habit that I did not stick to. However, actually reading the bible stuck, and making the habit of a quiet time worked.
I have wanted to make the habit of a quiet time for a long time. I actually read a lot on habit making and how it really is something that you have to make yourself do and eventually you can change the way your day goes. I wanted a quiet time to be apart of my day, so I set out January 1, 2015. Here I am, December 10th 2015, and I feel as if I can say "I've made it".
The most I got behind was 5 days. If I got five days behind, I would semi "freak out" and just go right to my bible and make sure I caught up that night. Some days were very boring. Some parts (many parts) of the Old Testament do not give me butterflies in the faith. Many parts of the old testament left me questioning some things. Many parts of the Old Testament made me wonder why SO MANY things are repeated over and OVER again. It was tough some days, but for some reason I kept at it.
The new testament gave me insight about how to live out each day. The New Testament made me question how I'm running each day and how to better live that through Him. It left me with a sense of purpose. The plan had me read two passages in the old and one in the new so I got a little of both each day!
My plan for 2015 taught me discipline. My plan for 2015 taught me that my relationship with the Lord was nothing that I wanted it to be nor was it even close to where I would go from there, nor is it now what I want it to be. That's my fallacy in life just in general but a lot in my faith. I just want to get closer and closer, and the closer I get, the more I want more. I have only graced the surface now of what I see to be an actual relationship with the Lord which leads into other aspects of my life.
I've just become softer. I've become more relaxed. I wanted this for so long, but now I can just feel it in every way. I am more of a cheerleader for my husband, I'm more intentional with my friends, I'm just more ... kind. Brandy asked me how I was able to be better to Tanner just because I really have made genuine changes, and I told her that it was related to my eating disorder...one day I just looked back and it wasn't there anymore. I didn't argue over petty things, I didn't make him the expense of my jokes to make others laugh, and I started building him up. I knew I wanted to make those changes, and the changes were intentional at first, but then they just became natural.
It's become less in life about how I can be the most successful but how I can genuinely lead my life with the purpose of the cross, and what that looks like and how that will lead me in the directions that I should go. Sometimes, I GENUINELY struggle with this. I feel as if people are going to think that I'm the crazy girl in the fitness world that loves Jesus. So many people put bible verses under things, and say these things, but I wanted it to be REAL. Genuine. I don't want to be fake, and it's so hard in that world.
I think that in order to make real decisions about our faith, we need to question things. We need to question things so that we can work through them. I don't want that superficial stuff. This is either real, or I want nothing to do with it. I had to work through some things that I read. I had to read commentaries, and ask leaders in the church the way that I felt about things. I DEFINITELY don't have everything figured out, but it made me work through it. From what I know though, and from what I believe, this thing is true.
And if this thing is true, how does that look? How does that change things? It does. It changes things. It has changed my business, and in a way that I was so scared to do. I still am. I think it wouldn't be right with God if it didn't scare us probably? Right? There are changes that I want to make in 2016 that will make it look even more different, and that will probably cause more people to shift that aren't as interested but I just have to go with what I know in my heart and what I believe to be true.
How does this look in my job? Yes. But how does this look every day? The way that I treat people are just more gentle. The walls that I had from pre conceived judgements and criticisms and stereotypes seem to fade. It's all about this love.
More than anything, this year has taught me that this life is not about me. I find myself OVER and over again wondering what I can do to make people like me more...come to find MY blog more, and every morning, it's like this quiet whisper of "it's not about you" and it brings me back to center. I tell myself it's okay because it's my business (and I mean genuinely it IS my full time job) but then that means that I'm putting my job over Jesus too, and that quiet whisper comes again that He is enough above all of that.
So you do marathons? Cool...but it's not about you. So you have conquered body image? Cool...I've been telling you for years that your body was just a vessel for me anyway! So you help others lose weight and reach their goals? Cool... but it's all through me. He wants these wonderful things for us, but that just isn't the end of the story.
As I move into 2016, I want my goals to look different than they ever have before. I'm going to transition into studying more passages in depth versus just wanting to get through them all. I want a little more "feels" if you know what I mean versus just making sure I got through the reading.
If you have a great devotional, reference, i'd love to know about it in the comments below!