It's so funny how when you guys are with me week to week and day to day, you get to see all the highs and lows. I've felt really weird lately because it's not that I'm not happy...but I think the best way to explain it is just that I'm going through some changes, but I just feel OFF. I feel like I'm being super complain-y and then that makes me feel guilty which makes me want to explain myself which makes me look at my posts and then I see I haven't really been complain-y so I'm being over sensitive, and then I'm like KATIE YOU THINK TOO MUCH. It's a vicious cycle!!! lol!
However, I am feeling like I'm being led to do something in ministry (like an 8-10 hour per week type gig). When I say called, I mean like I can't stop thinking about it! BLAH! I keep praying like "Lord, please can I have a minute?" LOL! I think that it's also got me in a funk because my husband isn't as amped as I am, and that's not because he's not interested, but just because he's like "Katie, you're a little amped up. Let's pray about this and think about this." hahaha! And I'm like NO. NOW. LETS MAKE MOVES. Totally my style if you've been following along, you probably know this. But, in all honesty, I'm joking because I've grown a lot and matured enough to not know to make drastic big decisions.
Tanner was explaining to me last night that ever since he's met me, I have like this HUGE desire to help people, whatever that means. This is going to sound like I'm bragging but I'm going to explain why I think I'm this way. It also can be overwhelming/exhausting for someone married to me because as he explains, it's not that he doesn't want these things, but he just doesn't think about it. I'm like "Let's start something to help world hunger. I'm going to start a business to help women and food freedom. Let's adopt a lot of babies from Africa. Let's start this nonprofit. Let's get involved with high school ministry. Let's give money here and there!"
As backwards as this sounds, I realized just how SELFISH I was being. I would almost get upset if Tanner wasn't like jumping on board to go adopt a lot of children tomorrow, when he was sweetly saying "Yes, let's talk about that and figure out if that's right for us." I'm like "No. This makes me happy and I'm being a good human so let's go DO THIS!" The truth is, I realized (last night actually) that I've found that when I strive for only me, it doesn't fulfill me. I've come face to face so many times how infinitely good it feels to help and give. It really does feel SO MUCH BETTERRRRR! If it's about me, then it's never enough. I can never have enough this or that (we all fall victim) but when I help people, it's just like "Ah! This is life right here!" Because it's giving, I see it as only good, so therefore I think it's okay to do more and more and more. It's not that it's not okay, but I also have to take into account so many other things before jumping.
So, it's like this weird emotion of feeling like I need to tone that down and not just constantly talk about what my next move is, but also move where I'm feeling led. I also don't want this to sound like Tanner isn't supportive because let me tell you how supportive that man is with a crazy wife like me. LOL!
However, I will say with lots to think about, it's making training go really well. I have just not even been thinking about how difficult anything is, and just doing what needs to be done every day! So, that's great! I don't know where I'm going with this blog other than I think that we all go through cycles and stages where we are just in a rut and a funk and figuring out where this life is leading us next! :)
And oh yea, if I've learned anything and can teach anything in this blog, it's that giving and serving is much better than receiving. I learned this early from my mom. We were talking last night about her spiritual gift of being a servant, and that is the dang truth. That woman is nothing but a servant for others, and I look up to her so much so maybe she rubbed off a little on me. :) Thanks superwoman aka mom!