I feel like when we graduate high school, the decision making really starts rolling in. We are not under the roof of mom and dad deciding what we do every day (I know you have tons of decision making before this point) but this really is a crucial time. I feel like many people go to college and they decide what friends they are involved with, what clubs to join, what career path to take, etc. In my personal experience, this was the exact place that I started to make some really bad decisions.
I was a "goody goody" by the world's standards so they would have never known the decisions that I was making were harming me. I wasn't making friends somewhat on purpose because I felt depressed. I was staying in my dorm every single weekend if I didn't go home and crying a lot. I got in a whirlwind of bad eating habits (blah blah - typical story) and now I look back and think how immature it all was, but I was making my path in the world and I had to figure it out on my own.
As I've come into this thing we call adulting, I've also created other bad habits. I think we all tend to do this over time. We notice that we are leaving the kitchen really messy every night. We notice that we have gotten out of the habit of wearing our retainers, or doing our devotionals (okay these are just mine? LOL). The problem is though when we aren't able to use self reflection and instead we just self accept. We feel entitled to just continue the way that we are, and we make excuses to others on why we are behaving the way that we are.
I think that it's important to really take a step back almost monthly and evaluate things that you can do better. I know that we are all very hard on ourselves but I also think that we also think very highly of ourselves. Why do we talk so badly of others when we could instead spend that energy focused on how we can better ourselves?
We have unfortunately become very entitled (and I of course am no exception to the rule). We are so well aware of everything around us, but yet we expect to be handed so much. We expect to be treated equally but yet we aren't doing the same in return. We expect to be loved completely and fully but yet we aren't doing the same thing in return. We become complacent with the things that we need to change in our lives because it takes too much effort to fix.
You are not the only one that has a busy life. You are not the only one that has a broken past. You are not the only one that has a broken heart. You are not the only one with bad genetics. That doesn't make any of these things less hard for you. They are very very real to you. I don't like when people tell say "Oh I shouldn't complain because this person has this awful thing going on." I think that's awesome that you are having self reflection, but also recognizing that your pain and your hurt is very real to you. That is something that you don't want to just ignore, and you don't want to feel alone. Never ever feel alone. Community is everything.
However, you have a choice every single day. You have a choice to decide how you are going to react to situations. You have a choice on every single habit that happens every single day. Believe me when I say that I've had addictions, and I've fought those demons so I know how very hard it is. I. KNOW. But I also think that I am so passionate about writing this because I also know that it's possible to overcome. I also know that you are the one that decides your future.
Anxiety and worry get you absolutely nowhere.
Pity parties need to be left at the door. This isn't a call for rise and grind. There are times that you need to cry. There are times when life just freakin sucks but you have GOT to put your big girl pants on and recognize that God did not design not one person to be mediocre or insecure or caught up in all of your thoughts. This life is meant to be lived.
Let me share something with you. The beginning of this year was BAD for me. I started making a lot of bad habits. Those habits included putting myself down, feeling like everyone hated me, wanting to quit the blogging thing, etc etc. (yea I know-embarrassing-continue reading for the entire dramatic saga and the outcome lol). Tanner would constantly tell me that my business was growing and booming and pumping me up with statements like "You were made to be a coach. You're so good at it." (hahaha).... and yet I just was wrapped up in all the things that I felt I wasn't doing right. I was stuck in perfection paralysis comparing myself to every other entrepreneur on the internet, and I got straight up overwhelmed. #YALLFEELME
I looked at all these pages on instagram and how they were better than mine when before I was NEVER focused on that. I started being consumed and self conscious if I produced an image that people didn't "like" enough. I thought that the best way out of that situation was to just quit. Quit this thing that I had spent countless hours building and that I loved.
WHAT IN THE WORLD? In the 3 years I've blogged, I've never been one to compare anything. I just don't play that game, but yet here I had created this awful habit where at night I would skim through pages of people not to encourage them like I normally do but rather to put myself down because they were so much better than me. It's embarrassing, but I'm sharing with you for a reason.
I have no idea what happened but one day it just CLICKED. I came out of my hole. I think I read something similar to what I'm sharing with you now and I was like, "Katie are you serious? Get your ish together."
I sat down one night for seriously 4-5 hours. I just wrote everything down. I wrote what I didn't like about what was going on and what I did like. I felt like there were some things about my blog that I didn't like therefore I needed to make efforts to change them. I decided that once and for all, I was done with feeling like this. I prayed and felt peace that if I felt this was who I was, then I had to be true to that. What happened next, I would have never expected.
I got off instagram for most all days. I posted my pictures, and then I didn't scroll through at all. I lost touch with some friends that I kept up with on there, but I got their numbers to let them know I wasn't being MIA and I loved them all. I continued training because if I'm being honest, it really doesn't feel hard at this point. It's just my life and what I do. I started working on my blog. I made some simple changes, and I stopped worrying about how many likes, followers, comments, etc that I was getting and rather just poured my heart into what I was doing hoping to help others, and if only my mom liked it, then that's okay.
My subscriptions doubled yall. Doubled. I, was of course using tools that bloggers use to make this happen, but I just honestly have been baffled. I have seen a 200% increase on google adsense. I have been approached by more companies than I ever have been. I've had a 50% increase of passive sales (not my coaching). It's blowing my mind. And all it took was getting out of my own head and bad habits, and doing what I want to do which is just create content that will help you guys.
I don't say this to say "Oh look at me. I made these simple changes and I got all of these rewards." I know that it doesn't happen like that, and even if that hadn't happened, I would still be working just as hard and I would still be making the changes to become the person that I know that I want to be. I am so HAPPY about what I'm doing because it's me. I absolutely love creating for this blog. I love taking fun photography shots for my instagram. I love connecting with others. I love coaching. I started to dislike it all because of what other people thought of me, and that's just destructive. And the truth is, no one else was even thinking they didn't like me. I was judging this by stats while everyone else lived their lives. (I'm sure there are plenty reading that don't like me but hey, that's life and I've learned to create a shell on my exterior to guard my heart).
I had created a bad habit, and I was making many excuses on why that was okay for my life when it was honestly not at all. I share this with you because you have a choice every single day just like I did. You know the things that you are doing that are destructive for you personally and it takes maturity to step back and say "Okay I'm going to change this. It doesn't matter if it takes a lot of energy and willpower, but I refuse to continue down this path." It's okay to mess up. We all are very messy. That's why we need grace, but when you are able to really focus your energy towards your passions and things that you love instead of being consumed by those destructive behaviors, you will thrive physically, emotionally, mentally, and maybe even financially.
We think those habits are making us happy and content, but we all know that in the quiet moments that's not what we enjoy. We don't like ourselves and it's not until we change those things and stop expecting the rest of the world to create avenues for us to avoid the truth that we really see our full potential.