To the mommas who aren't yet Mommas

I could write this about being a dog mom. i could write this about the societal pressures of being a woman and feeling that you need to become a mom by a certain time, but that's not what this is about. This is about waking up on Mother's day and thinking for the first time, "Man I wish I was a mom." 

Let me go ahead and clear the air. Tanner and I have not TRIED to become parents. I know that there are many that are eagerly trying and waiting for that moment when God decides to bless them with another member of their family, or unfortunately some that might not get to experience that, and for whatever reason, I always have that fear in the back of my mind. "If you don't get started early, you don't know what will happen, Katie." But every time we thought about it we would say "just a little bit longer." 

I think about becoming a mom, I would venture to say, 99% of all days. I dream about it. I read articles about it. I ask people questions about it. I pinterest about it. I think about what kind of mom I'll be, what kind of parents we will be, and the many flaws that I have.

I have prayed and prayed for these babies whether here on Earth already and will be mine one day and then those that Tanner and I will have together. I have seen their faces coming out of bedrooms. I have imagined soccer games, and dance recitals, and projects for homework. I have looked at pregnant best friends with the most adoration pining for the day when that's my cute baby bump, and I want to fall into a puddle of emotions when I see adoptions finalized from all over the world and locally.

I have read the good and the bad. I have watched people with good and bad parenting. I have watched kids scream and throw fits thinking THANK YA JESUS I'VE WAITED. I have been SO GRATEFUL that for once in my gosh durn life, I have been patient and have been able to spend sweet sweet years with my husband getting to know him better, getting to know myself better, and getting to know how we work well together best (and worst lol). While I have daydreamed, I have been TERRIFIED. I have seen what parenting looks like...the #reallife. It's not a joke or for the weak at heart. It's a full time job, and one that I want to be ready for. 

It's something that I feel is important to really think through, financially and spiritually prepare for, and then dive in KNOWING that things are going to be tough but also that things are going to be beautiful. I have cried literal tears to Tanner about children that I don't have because I'm afraid to even be the mom that I want to be for them. I feel I'm such an imperfect human, but trying to trust in God's timeliness of living through Him to make us the parents he wants us to be. Yall, I'm crazy. LOL. I think part of the reason that I've waited so patiently is that I so desperately want to be the mother that they deserve. I have wanted to prepare myself in every way, and then I look to some of the most beautiful mothers and the truth is there is no prep at all. It's just simply winging it day by day loving the most that you can and hoping that you raise them the best that you know how. 

It can be hard sometimes for us mommas who aren't yet mommas because we see all the really ugly. We know it's all in good fun, but I'm sure you read my day dreaming motherhood above and rolled your eyes because it's NOT real life. And you post about the real life on facebook, on instagram, etc. I see it and quite frankly, sometimes I want to run. I had to search my heart of whether or not it was even something that I wanted to put myself through. I have not felt in my heart that God felt us ready to be parents yet and so therefore, we wait patiently.

But not idol.  

I think sometimes that there is this notion that if you are married and getting close to 30 and not having children that you must just not want them. That could not be further from the truth. I don't feel pressure to have children, nor do I feel pressure to wait to have children. I just simply have not felt it was time, and it's so crazy because if you would have told me at 21 when I got engaged that I would be motherless at 28, I would have told you that you were INSANE. It wouldn't happen. But in 3 months when I turn 28, it will be who I am. Someone who is going to continue to pray for those babies-biologic, adopted or fostered-and is going to prepare. 

Right now I'm preparing by learning to love my husband the best I know how, and true story, I asked my mom and aunt advice today on how to make sure that there were meals on the table for dinner each night. Anyone else find that hard? But kids have to be fed unlike my husband that I can tell to make his own for the umpteenth time! ;) 

We are all in this together, but I just wanted to be a voice for a party I don't see often. I don't hate kids. I absolutely love them. I don't have kids, but I don't not want them. I don't feel pressure from any side, but I'm just waiting. 

I'm preparing. Praying. 

But I want to be a mom. Really something terrible. And when that time comes when I will remember all the times I said I wouldn't do XYZ in all these years of prep! ;) 

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