So, it's been a while since I've talked about passion or purpose or any of those things and how deeply I feel them and how much I think that it's important not just for the sport or activity in question but just by committing to these things, it creates character traits and optimistic viewpoints that you can carry with you in other times of hardship or trials of any kind. First off, it's August and how the heck did that happen? I was scheduling a patient three months from now and said "Wait, three months is November? That can't be right." Um, turns out-that's right.
So, this year was a year of HUGE change for me which led me into a season of intense "figuring out my ish" and it wasn't easy. I truly do finally feel that I'm at that steady point, back on the peak, back loving life. Part of the reason that I struggled during this time was lack of purpose. I didn't go from one purpose to the next, but rather was just in limbo. I am someone who wants to be working hard towards a goal and I'm very goal oriented.
I poured that into Chicago training basically, and it made my anxiety immediately reduce. I know yall probably think I'm a little bit crazy when I tell you that I just HAVE TO HAVE something, but I mean I was spending weekend days on the couch just like twiddling my thumbs I had so little to do, but I fell into this spot of like also not wanting to dive into anything because I didn't want to just do something to just do it. I wanted to FEEL the passion and the purpose to propel me forward.
I found I truly missed the connection with the blog. I kept trying to fight it because I had "quit" but then I thought "This is dumb. If this is something that you enjoy, then this is something that you should do. Period." I just enjoy sharing my life, the evidence in health and running related topics, and all the fun that blogging brings. I also have found a company that really values me, and I'm a huge part of their team now, and it's one of those jobs where you're like "Yep. I'm gonna work for them for 30 years" kind of thing, and I am so so thankful for that. I have had some HARD HARD pharmacy jobs in the past. I won't go into details, but Tanner just kept saying 'Dang girl, you can't catch a break' just from like boss/coworker experiences/work environment. So even if I wanted to feel passionate about pharmacy, the work environment was toxic and I never could.
The amount of purpose and passion that I feel for what I do now is like everything has come full circle. I think sometimes that happens in life. My life has just kind of tumbled one thing into another and I've never had to think about what I do. The "thinking about who I am" season that I had was so so hard and tough and messy but man was it fruitful. It really changed me and made me so much more confident, so much more purposeful and passionate knowing that I've landed and while I may change, my drive towards what I am doing both in blogging, coaching, and pharmacy will not.
It took me so long to find the integrity of my work. When I was just blogging, I also didn't have it. I felt like when people asked what I did, I didn't know what to say when they knew I was a pharmacist. Like, oh I am a pharmacist, but I do run coaching. I mean no one cares but me, but that's the point. It's my life, and if I care, I have to change that and be okay with it. I will not be able to have passion without my purpose being completely fulfilled. I know that it seems crazy like "Katie, you can't work all the time" and I know that. I don't, but the combination of both is what has made me feel the most alive.
I keep joking I'm manic/depressive (I know that is no joke to even make because I truly am so serious about mental health issues) however I truly had exhibited those types of behaviors small scale over the past few months, but you know when you can fail forward and then look forward and say "Okay I know that's behind me now." I was texting Tanner yesterday about how thrilled and passionate I feel about life and blogging and evidence based medicine in conjunction with nutrition plus pharmacy and training. He texted back that he feels that I've finally exited the season of anxiety and into just "mania". I am a naturally optimistic, make everything into a joke kind of person, but I have NOT been that lately....at all. As usual, through thick and thin, sickness and health Tanner stood by me, encouraging me, crying with me, hugging me, and at times also being very frustrated with me as I found my way.
Basically I've been that analogy where I was a square peg forcing myself into a round hole. It just wasn't working no matter what route that I took, and now I'm in the place where I know that I can just focus not on who I am, what I am, but just the growth and grit in the work which I LOVE LOVE LOVE.
I know that life is not about work and it's about relationships, and I think I kept coming back to that as well and feeling like a jerk that in spending more time with family and even friends and still feeling like my well was completely dry. Guys, that sounds awful, but we have to know that we are who we are and in order to be good for the people around us, we MUST be passionate about the life that we are living. We must water our own garden before we can be fruitful for others. That doesn't mean a job, because some don't have them for various reasons (stay at home mom comes to mind which of course IS a job but you know what I mean). We must be doing something for ourselves that allows us to be WHOLE for them.
We have to believe that what we are doing, we are doing with integrity. We have to know that what we are doing is right and it feels good. And sometimes, we find ourselves in a position where nothing is of interest and so we sit on the couch, watch tons of Netflix, joke about it, but really feel empty. We pray and those prayers feel like they just flop on the floor in front of us even though we know that's not the case. We can tell ourselves to LISTEN, but then we hear crickets. It's tough, y'all. These mid 20's ain't no joke of a time in life.
I also entered a season of knowing that this is in fact the time that people start having children. In the mix of all this madness, the LAST thing that I wanted to move towards was kids. It's literally like getting married because you think that's going to solve your problems, so "oh katie's bored and feeling purposeless-lets's have kids." No. I just refused. I wanted to find ME wholly, completely, passionately, purposefully, and with integrity and THEN I could move forward with bringing another human into this world. I want my future daughter to be like "Hell yea, my momma knows who she is." (and that's not in ANY way saying moms don't know themselves-I just knew for me personally it was the furthest thing from what I needed)
This is vulnerable, but this is what I do. I share my life, and for whatever reason when I release the energy into the world and hit publish, it gives me a high. It feels like such a release to say "wow. here's my heart yall. i'm a mess but i made it through"
I'm so thankful for this space to share my life, and I'm so thankful for those that keep coming back even though I said IM QUITTING and then have kept going and plan to continue and not stop and if anything, grow it more. Deleting katiesfitscript instagram however was THE BEST decision and I have no plans to reopen that. I want the people that are there not to be a number. I want them to WANT to follow me. Organically. Fully as I am. Genuinely. I do however plan to pursue online entreprenuership, coaching, blogging, and speaking opportunities and there's something to be said for saying "You know what? Maybe I goofed up. Maybe I did some rash things out of mid 20 mental crisis but I'm owning that truth and confident enough at this point to not NOT do something that I love just for pride of feeling silly."
I look to the people that have supported me and I look to the people who have brought me down, and I think "Wow. How did I ever let the negative nay sayers have a voice?" They just don't matter. I don't expect it to be what it was, and I expect it to look different. I am much more mature, I am much more organized, I am much more confident and changing the structure and organization on my end to provide the utmost coaching experience, I am screening nutrition clients so I know that we are RIGHT for one another. So many other things.
I needed this time. I needed this break. I needed this change to fully step into who I could be with passion, integrity and purpose.