Lately, the topic of self actualization has, I admit, been an obsession of mine. I absolutely love and crave the topic of coming into myself, the conscious and the subconscious, who I am, who I'm meant to be, who I'm called to be, who my alter ego is, and everything that encompasses this self actualization for every single person individually. We are going to go deep, but I hope you'll stick around to the end so that you find it useful for you and not that Katie has lost it. ;)
Do we need to "know who we are?" Is this something that humans are ever going to come into? Why is there always the phrasing that you can't do this while you are also in relationships as if I can't find myself while simultaneously being in a monogamous relationship with my husband? I'm as independent as they come, so his presence and love in my life has no bearing on me finding myself, and finding myself has actually been a matter of settling into who I am, and who I've realized I've been programmed for quite some time to believe that I am.
Note/Edit: This is going to sound like a bunch of hyper spiritual transcendence/awakening type talk, so please excuse me while I escape into philosophical matters.
I also think that this gets tricky with the topic of Christianity, and I would like to express frustration at the notion that you almost aren't allowed the path of self discovery and enlightenment because if you truly felt the presence of God and allowed Him into you, then you wouldn't need to go looking. I believe that when we are able to relax into who we believe ourselves to be then we confidently move forward and allow Christ into those spaces that we otherwise might not have been able to do from this wall that was formed. Every psychologist will say that the path to spirituality is in the awakening.
I hope that through this blog you'll be able to see my heart that I have deeply sought for months now, and that this isn't things that I haven't poured myself over and into. I've actually wrote a lot of personal poetry during this time which is something that I used to do and had let fall to the side. I always thought I'd be a writer but then science and medicine were such a more "stable" career so I went the route of the person I probably never was but have come to grow and love.
We all have a trajectory in life that naturally flows. Some of us might take longer to decide what that path looks like, but as you are going through elementary, middle, high and then most of the time college, your life is just flowing. There is no thought process much behind it, and once you come into adulthood, you reach the consistent level of complacency and you have to decide whether you want to rest there, reach for more, and then sometimes you are like "wait, this was the end? What do I do now?"
Many times, we involve ourselves in side projects, side hustles, and then we start having children and again, there flows the natural trajectory, and we feed into the cycle of life. We have found our identity and "ourselves" without conscious thought. It's just the flow. We say a lot of programmed things that we have learned based on our individual experiences and our upbringings, and geographical locations. Did you know that in Iceland it is completely the social norm to have a sexual interaction BEFORE emotional? They believe in not wasting their emotions before they know if they connect sexually so they do like casual hook ups after drunken bar visits all the time, and it's normal. When you hear that, like me, you think "OMG WHAT? EW. So much questions. So much confusion." But isn't that because I was raised to believe this is wrong, but they were not. They were raised completely differently. We would say they are brain washed. They would say we were.
This is why it's so important when looking at someone's political view that you can genuinely believe what you believe, but you MUST look through their political stance through their vision. We all are little parrots just saying what those in our surroundings say and do. I watch it constantly having lived in multiple locations and in all of those places, people having different cultural norms. It's so interesting to step back honestly.
We believe that the choices that we make are either right or wrong, and this all plays into who we believe ourselves to be and coming into ourselves. But all of this is based on emotion and feeling and perception of reality. (Yall, we're going deep here lol)
The point of finding yourself is actually being able to separate from yourself. In the book, Untethered Soul, he discusses the notion of stepping away from your conscious thinking. The voices that you hear in your head are not your own. Many women with eating disorders discuss this voice, and in the documentary "To the bone", there is a scene where they are saying "f you" to their voices. But the thing is, we all have that. Every single thought that passes through your head is that voice. It's not actually you. When you are able to make this separation, you are able to relax, you are able to fully experience life in the way that we all want to.
Think of a white picket fence, red square, and a black triangle. Focus on the black triangle and then let it go. Relax from it, think only of the white fence and the red square and let the black triangle go. That's you being able to make that separation from oneself. The thoughts that pass through every single second, grasp them, notice them, and then relax away from them. That's the separation. You'll slowly start to notice throughout the day that the voice speaks, but the voice is almost always not you.
The voice has been so influenced my society. Let's revisit the fact that I always wanted to be a writer, but that wasn't stable enough. Does that mean that I'm not happy where I am? Absolutely not. I haven't even thought about my 10 year old dreams in years. But it's a point that I'm making that self actualization has so many components. Is happiness the goal? The pursuit of happiness can most definitely create unhappiness, so if you ever want to feel unhappy...search for happiness! ;) It's so easy with human nature to fall into the lack versus the abundance.
When we naturally go through the flow of life, we stay busy therefore we never really even reach for actualization. Many of those that become "awakened" because that's the only word I have for it are normally like monks or someone who does some deep meditative practice for years, or someone who is just a really cool hippy. You are constantly changing anyway, and I mean for me, I am CONSTANTLY changing, so do we ever even rest in who we actually are? Like what would it truly look like to let every single black triangle flow right between yourself and your conscious and never stick? It just happens in your life, and flows right on through. The black, nasty, ugly triangle--it just keeps flowing through.
That is where this quote comes in:
There can be NO conditional statements-no matter the circumstance-you can let it go and open yourself to the freedom of just being okay.
I've realized that many times I tell people I have two lives that I could live and that I have an alter ego. I think we all have this person somewhat within us, but when I really sat back and thought about it, I thought how that person is really somewhat who I want to be but I'm afraid to be because that's not socially acceptable in this person that I have created myself to be. I also cannot be those character traits of my alter ego because that's just not who I am. My brain neurons do not fire that way, and I cannot become her. That's just what I have told myself however, and if I can relax into myself, I can become whoever I desire to be. At any point. Any day.
I know what you're thinking-Katie you have too much time on your hands to think- and I would have to agree. I think that if I had had children like was my plan all along at this stage in my life, I would have never reached for self discovery or had the thought space to do so, but here I am and it's liberating to come into yourself, so I'm glad I've had this time. It allows you to be fully confident in every single motion forward that you make.
As you all know, one of my big black triangles was the desire to be loved, desired, understood, and not thought wrongly of. With self actualization, it literally does not matter. It's not even the matter of the matter. Like it's just not even a thought. I just am. I am separate. I am raw. I am transparent. I am so very flawed, and so when you speak of my flaws you are speaking nothing more into me that I haven't spoke worse into myself at some point, but I believe that was all part of the process of getting to the now. I can never really write much in the processes, but afterwards, it feels so good to express it all to you guys. This has been such a process of letting go of all the hurt and the pain that I myself have caused and has allowed me to experience the really awful feelings of life to build character and resolve.
"Katie, you need a therapist" ... I know I'm getting one ;)
But don't we all? I happen to think so. lol.
The biggest thing however is this separation. It's allowing yourself to rest knowing that you CAN be happy if you just allow yourself to be open to it letting your black triangle pass through you because it's not OF you to begin with. You also are allowed the space to find yourself whether you're in a relationship or not and whether you are super busy or not, because I do feel that it's worth the time and it's super important.
I could literally write a book on this topic, so I'm going to end with this today written by one of my favorite instagrammers, @plantifulsoul. This poem below is literally what I feel sometimes when I'm running. It has absolutely blown me away today on this topic. Relax and enjoy it.
as you let go, you become.
softly stir your soul from its slumber.
tame this lucid lullaby.
your body does not belong to you.
this vessel is a holy temple through which eternity
temporarily seeks refuge.
our foundation is fluditity.
perhabs this is why we feel so empty.
we abandon scattered pieces of ourselves in the grasp of a temporal illusion,
in driting currents,
and withered roots,
when our purest nature is infinite.
nothing stays the same.
and this somehow,
makes everything more beautiful.
the fragile impermanence of it all.
we tear at the earth beneath us,
starving for the taste of our own flesh.
like a fish lost at sea,
searching for water.
sisters and brothers.
it is not always easy to remember,
that we are everything
in a place that has taught us that we are nothing.
you have thought as the world thinks for so long..
that you no longer know
who or what
you even are.
learn to forget.
listen to the screams of stillness.
drift back into your own embrace.
and carry yourself home.