So, I wrote about this on my facebook and posted it in my insta story about the joy that comes from the first autumn day. There is literally nothing like it.
You wake up and walk outside, and it’s this smell. It’s the smell of nostalgia from childhood that hits me first. It reminds me of cold soccer games and hot chocolate before I cheered at the high school football playoff games. It’s chickfila fried chicken sandwiches and fries and a coke on the bus ride there.
It’s the fair, and it’s carving pumpkins. It’s pharmacy school “Chili Cookoff” time of year.
It’s most definitely ‘coming out of my apartment complex in New York City on to the hudson for a morning run’. Oh, the emotions and the feels.
We each have our own designations of what those smells and this temperature brings about for us. The feeling of nostalgia, but also the feeling of novelty.
The seasons turn, and we can turn a new page in our book. We can let the past season go, and hold on to the hope of new promises, and new joys in the fall and the winter.
For some this brings great joy, and for others this can bring great sadness. This time of year is very commonly known for seasonal affective disorder. Something that can make people feel even more alone is when they feel that everyone else is loving life around them, and the notion that they are the only ones that can’t get it together. I want to honor those people as well even though I feel I have it in the opposite seasons.
Life is such a journey.
Last fall, I was going through the intersection in uptown shelby and a lady ran a red light. She was coming full speed ahead at my drivers door, and I swerved. When I swerved, I almost hit another car, but barely missed them. The little old lady that ran the red light looked at me with the most pitiful look in her eyes that just said “I’m sorry” and she covered her face. I did not know what to do other than to continue driving and left.
No one was hurt. Everyone was fine. I was thankful.
Ever since that time, I’ve had a complex with intersections and especially the one that it happened on. It’s only natural, but feels very “PTSD”. I literally have a rush of anxiety at every intersection that I go through thinking that I cannot trust others to do their part.
As I was driving to work this morning, I had the thrill of the fall breeze as I went through the intersection. The rush of anxiety hit, but it also caused me to pause and think about how different those two emotions were that I was feeling. Happiness and anxiety.
It is possible to feel both, and maybe that’s something we need to reference more. Anxiety is not within the absence of happiness. It’s just a manifestation of what our brains do to reconcile our past with our future expectations and how we perceive reality to play out. That does not mean that we can’t also be happy.
I am so infinitely thankful for new seasons and new beginnings. I’m thankful for close calls that give me perspective.
I texted Tanner when I got to work and told him how I was feeling. What if I had been majorly injured that day? What if I had died? All of the worries that we have had would be obsolete. Nothing would matter anymore, and the only thing that we would wish for would be time spent together again. Why does it take the manifestation of a crash or a death or a serious illness like cancer for us to be able to live the kind of life we wish we could live?
That life is ours…right now..in this moment.
The season is new. The weather has changed. We can wake up every single morning knowing that we have so many abundant, beautiful moments around us every single day. And all it took was a chilly breeze in the air. How revolutionary. How simple. How beautiful.