Yesterday, I made an instagram post about whether I should continue blogging, re-route the domain to something less "fitness-y" or delete it or really just keep doing what I'm doing which is to just blog when I feel like it. I'm not going to go into those thoughts as I shared them yesterday. What I did want to do is apologize for continuing to ask that. It's honestly pretty narcissistic. Like who even cares honestly? There's a million and one bloggers on the internet. If I wanna write a blog, I can do that. If I don't feel like it, I don't have to. If I want to share a topic and some information, I'll share it in hopes that it will help people. It doesn't need to be some big freakin affair with a poll. Jesus Christ Almighty (sorry I'm annoyed at myself LOL).
What I want is connection and compassion. And sometimes I think that feels lovely on the internet, and sometimes it feels superficial and causes me to have a touch of fear on maybe not 'connecting' with the people who have my best interest at heart.
I'm reading a book called "The Lost Art of Compassion" and the very nature of being annoyed with myself is the very nature of narcissism because again, I'm making it about me. Working through your demons and self assessing is something that I value. I think it's really important. If there is someone that will tell you her flaws, it's me. I don't say that in a self deprecating manner and I'm confident in the person that I'm becoming, but I'm not okay with who I am and I think it's important to always be growing.
One of the growing pains I am working on is decision making. I've researched decision making theories and the science of why we choose the decisions that we do. It's fascinating because I think that many of us just flippantly make these decisions without realizing what all goes into the workings of it. As humans, we are always going to look out for our best interest. We used to need that for survival but now we utilize those energies towards things that aren't nearly as important and that shields us from joy because we are always so consumed with worry about the future.
We worry about this superficial image that we will create to those around us and we all play these characters of who we think that we should be and we make decisions based off of that whether we realize it or not. I want to be someone who makes decisions based on genuine compassion and not the subconscious views of others by feeling the need to feel some void of human connection that is disguised as compassion. What I'm trying to say is that I want to provide content that is helpful. That's all I mean here. haha!
I went back and forth on selling our house that we live in now and while it's not our forever home and if someone bought it, I wouldn't be upset, I realized that my decision making process was based on what I thought would make me happy in the future but if I was to picture myself in the new situation, would I actually be happier? My moment to moment in my home right now is honestly lovely. We have a remembering brain and an experience brain and many times we think of our situations as worse (or maybe better) than they actually are, but if we look to the moment to moment, the experience is entirely different. Our brains do this to shield us from any sort of micro traumas that we might experience.
Kids are a pretty good example of this. Most likely no one would ever say that they don't love and adore their kids and when they think about their kids when they aren't with their kids, their hearts swell with pride and joy. They post about them on social media and they genuinely mean what they say. This is their remembering brain. But then, if you look to the moment to moment of children, we all know that's not roses and play dates but lots of exhaustion, annoyances, and headaches. It's absolutely WORTH IT but it's important to evaluate both of those perspectives when making decisions, in my opinion.
This also can lead to complicating things more than necessary and sometimes just making decisions on what feels good :) And sometimes that's all you need!
My biggest desire for my life is just that I'm providing others with the passion that I feel for the things that I feel passionate about and sharing the truths within those things.